The coffee and champagne are fighting over who gets to absorb the one pancake in my stomach
i love that you felt the need to clarify that you don't actually have drugs in your vagina.
When I got up in the middle of the night, puked in his trash can, and snuck out the front door, I pretty sure he knew it was over.
last karaoke night = doing dmx songs with a guy who threatened to stab me. so yeah I'm coming out.
New carpet is nice. I'm making carpet angels. Like a fresh snowfall.
If I was 5 years younger and single...
She STILL wouldn't fuck you.
I drank it. I drank the beer from '78. I drank my bday beer, I drank my soul
I'm excited for you as you venture towards new drug experiences
2016 was supposed to be my year of being a ho, but I guess 2017 might be too.
You ruined the universe
so apparantly i made out with 24 santas last night...and an elf...and a stoner
I just took like 30 condoms from the doctors office... no one can say I don't try to save my money.
you woke up this morning in a laundry basket, only wearing rainboots.
I hope that will b the last time i take off my pants in the chemistry building.
i just wanted have a romantic star gaze moment with him. untill he let out a massive fart.
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