I am going to invent a chocolate mix for sperm.
If you are in NYC and not seeing anyone, you should come fucke me now because:1 i am not in love with you anymore, 2 i am drunk enough where i won't feel the n eed to kisx you awardly to avoid your beard, 3we have unfinished business that i wpn't get -assed unyil orgass have been had, 4 i really really want to
I wish sober me loved running as much as drunk me...
I also was calling every child by their name "Birthcontrol" - straight people are fun
I don't remember much of half-time. I do remember climbing onto the roof of the fraternity and telling people I was going to stargaze in French.
All I wanted was a hug. You dirty, dirty whore.
I know you're on vacation but you should know I just walk of shamed through a hotel lobby while leaving a threesome on Friday the 13th. Fuck superstition, I win.
The lady at Walgreens was all excited my pregnancy tests had a coupon.
I just did a drunk experiment to find out what it looks like when you turn a burner on the stove on while wearing night-vision goggles. I may be blind in my right eye now.
Looked for my lighter in the console and found more tampons. Seriously. You're like a squirrel prepping for a hard winter. A menstruating squirrel.
Well. I guess talking about me stealing your wife may not be in the list of legit conversations
My butthole probably tastes like a Cinnabon right now
After you finished the $300 bottle of wine you just started crying about how if Mulder and Scully didn't invite you to join the x-files your life would be meaningless because you "love that weird shit"
I mean, she's batshit insane and once choked a guy with one hand but she's still MILF material in my book.
fell asleep while jerking off ln. woke up to my hand in my pants and my cat crawling all over me
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