so went to the condom shack today. bought a condom that dresses up your dick in a suit...tomorrow im fucking in style
There are 3 pics of me on my camera, naked, wearing only an apron, scooping ice cream.
Ya know, sometimes when he kisses me in public I want to scream "HE DRIVES A PORSCHE!" so people watching understand that I don't have low standards, I'm just very materialistic.
I wanna take him on a special date, something that says I banged your brother but since he moved I want you
Dude, it's the frankincense and myrrh soap. Smelling like baby Jesus will get you laid.
i got her number while she was sitting next to her boyfriend. her actual number. i might be a superhero
Ps I got my nipple pierced. You're just gonna have to accept me for the tool I am and I don't wanna hear any shenanigans.
I remember you licked my face and said that's all you're getting
He puked in the voicemail. That's a true friend right there.
there was a keg and pinata at my uncles funeral, and a bunch of scary looking biker dudes showed up to pay their respects. i need to strive to be more like him.
I mean, I already put pants on today. We're already halfway there
I'll get tired halfway through and end up passed out at a taco shack honestly
There's a dryer on fire at the laundromat, and everyone's just standing around taking pictures. Except me. I'm texting.
whole 5th of capt = waking up in the shower after 2 hours and the whole house asking why i'm STILL in a towel. and me having nothing to say
Hey, um, after thinking about it, I decided I really don't want to use applying olive oil to your ass for your fissure as part of foreplay because... well... really? Just read that again.
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