EVERY baby cries during their baptism. It's like they know from that moment on their parents are going to make them do lame things like their first communion and stuff.
Note to self: soco dudes get amusinly uncomfotable when I moan at the urinal.
I just saw a Kleenex commercial and thought about last night. I'm sorry about your hair.
I think I should become a real estate agent in th friend zone I know the place so well
For future reference, even the most well-intentioned game of whiskey pong is a terrible idea.
i was taking a dump when this random girl ran in, puked all over my lap, then passed out on the floor
did you bang her?
seriously?
I made two strippers play rock paper scissors to see who would give me a lap dance last night
He snuck into my grandmothers house, broke her lamp, fucked me, then had breakfast with us the next morning. I am an awful granddaughter.
I think I just smoked a piece of your foot. Were u picking your feet by the weed?
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
Bobbing for jello shots in a bucket of long island. Fast track to alcohol poisoning.
Dude. I don't even want cuddles. I just want an acknowledgement that I just had balls in my mouth.
I bought a machete, tennis balls, and matches. How is this NOT going to be a great night?
Decided to smoke a bowl in my closet while my parents are gone. Just sat in the closet because I couldn't remember how to get out. Started panicking cuz I thought they were gonna show up... Checked my phone. It's been 4 minutes.
They gave my sperm a pep talk after they found out we were trying.to have.a baby.
Randomize
