i am only reminding you that showing off your fellatio skills on vegetables is probably not an appropriate party trick
if all i could do was poop and smoke weed, i'd be eternally happy
amen to that sister
When I masturbate I pretend my dick is the slap chop an I'm destroying vegtables. Do you think that's a eating disorder?
My Dad named our wireless network after my dead grandma. I refuse to look up porn on my dead grandma...
we were both as far on opposite edges of my bed as possible this morning. id say work is gonna be a little uncomfortable from now on
Basically I learned last night that if you're too polite people will think it's okay to play with your nipples when really its not even a little okay
And on the subject of embracing my inner whore, I had two different dicks in my mouth yesterday. Friend, it's official. I'm completely outta control.
Waking up with a sore back because you put the team on it for jager pong all night
True love is when you jack off and continue talking to the girl you like
Why do you text me weird shit like this?
We looked in every room for condoms... It was the sexiest scavenger hunt ever.
I told two kids in their homecoming outfits to use a condom because of Ebola. I may have saved a life last night
So Saturday night after 10 drinks I guess he tried to have sex with me and in the middle of it I asked "can you tell I'm faking it!?" and then I sat up and threw up in my hand. That's a sex Win in my books
It's 5am and I come home to you naked on the kitchen table and 3 people I never saw before fucking on the back porch ... and my weed gummy worms are gone. fuck you I'm taking your mom's offer
only you would understand that I was talking from the perspective of my boobs
But you''re still having sex with him. And a hobo convinced you to.
Randomize
