Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
my credit card is covered in vodka and bad memories
Why did you come into my room last night at 3am and pour monopoly money on me while you were crying?
How external is "for external use only"?
were facing impending death from north korea and were sitting here snorting tylenol to get high.....where did our lives go wrong?
He thought he was ordering for the whole party so when he came back with thirty burritos and four of us were left, he wasn't happy
You don't understand!!! BACON ROSES!!! Why are you not more excited?!
My new successful method of booty calling is sending a screencap of a map with the shortest route from their location to mine highlighted.
dude, my hangover is telling me there was tequila involved
We were 69ing, but at an angle so we could both still watch Wall-E
HE WILL NEVER BE ONE OF US. HE WILL NEVER BE A DECENT, GOD-FEARING WHORE.
Like seriously how stupid drunk do you have to get befor you start finding dolphin lighters and shit in your undergarments
I should've negotiated that before I sat on his face.
How do you teach a grown ass men how to fuck? Why is good sex so hard to find these days?
I couldn’t resist. He had a camouflage condom. You know I love a man in a uniform
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