I'm upset that MJ died and all but waking up to his face on my HDTV in the middle of the night while half-asleep is pretty much the scariest fucking thing ever.
just threw up in the bushes outside my lecture hall. sometimes i hate the freedom college gives you.
If people don't want my drunken phone call then TAKE YOUR FUCKING NUMER OFF OF FACEBOOK, like it's just that easy...
Also, turning on the light this morning was a 3 step process. Way too hungover.
Pretty sure I just heard the turkey yell "don't put me in there" as it was going in the oven. way too high for this holiday.
What's sign language for "you may not be the father?" Kinda important right now.
I have to deal with three things I do not like this weekend. Pooping in toilets that are not mine. Air mattresses. Not beating off in the shower.
Also, upon examining the photos, I have concluded that you were the sloppiest drunk girl of the night. And that's saying something considering Hurricane Jessica was in town.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
Well, we broke up and instead of putting my shit out on the curb like a normal person, she fucking donated everything to Goodwill. So now I have to pay two dollars for one of my own t shirts.
Well, I washed his beard with dish soap and then I fucked him three times.
lets start a news segment called WHY IS LEOS CROTCH BURNING TODAY
I have an interview tomorrow! The couple we regularly swing with said I could use them as references. Winning
I'm so happy for you. But I still have to shave because a woman has needs and this woman needs an orgasm.
You know what sucks about being drunk at 4 pm? Not a god damn thing.
Randomize
