you used progresso chicken soup as a mixer last night
Then she called me a home wrecking whore.
dont they live in a condo? that doesnt count.
his recent searches consisted of "World record for not bathing" and "Miley Cyrus vs Taylor Swift". Not even i am that desperate.
I'm spoon feeding myself tequila for breakfast, should we skip class today?
The slot machines are wishing me happy birthday. Mission success.
I think we should go through the tsa checkpoint with raging hardons when we go through LAX. I think we should pass out some viagra to everyone
I swear the crows are laughing at me.
You my friend are stoned into submission
I used a jello pudding cup as a shot chaser last night. I'm the Bill Cosby of alcoholics
My legs have surpassed "hairy" and entered the territory of "furry". Maybe I should just suck it up and shave already
No now I'm curious!
One of the guys I danced with wanted to give me his number so I convinced him I had a photographic memory and that I would remember it.
I just had a great idea for an etsy shop. Sell all the shit bitches leave from one nighters
The horniest man in the world doesn't want sex as bad as I want pizza right now.
he's a fucking beast. people that don't even know him have started calling him "puke and raleigh"
I told him we could fuck whenever was concurrent for both of us
dont you DARE use my tequila influenced words against me
Randomize
