dude, i just saw a bobcat while i was rollerblading this morning
1 dont ever text someone @ 8am on sat. 2 dont ever admit to rollerblading past 1992.
I will give you vagina for bag of have'a corn chips.
Apparently he always goes for the wrong girl so it should be easy for me to nail him.
i'm satisfied with the level of pretty that his new girlfriend isn't.
Because it is about to snow, I sent him for Diet Coke and cigarettes. It's the gay version of milk and bread.
We sold so many girl scout cookies when we were little. What went wrong?
Drunk me forgot I'm not an 18yr old raver anymore. Adult me is now in pain.
Next time you think about divorce, consider this: a hot guy just walked in and I tried to suck in my back fat.
Ugh. I guess I'm crying loudly or something. My mom just came in and gave me milk, chocolate, a Xanax, and her weed "for the break up blues". Her ways of affection are so odd.
Yeah, tell that to my thumb. Cause it was up my ass all night waiting for you.
Just smoked a joint with the hottest patient. God I love night shifts.
Sent him a snap chat of him eating me out so he can relive the moment.
I threw up in my brother's Easter basket
we promised ourselves we wouldn't get too drunk, and what happens? I wake up the next morning with half a mcdouble in one pocket and some barbie clothes in the other.
It’s just a penis. It’s like every other penis except it’s not the one you’re married to. Ride it or don’t ride it, but don’t agonize about it
Your not going to hell because you need some strange and the neighbor noticed you look damn good in a bikini
Randomize
