I'm putting on too much make up bc I'm stoned
i broke my thumb. i no longer have 2 opposable thumbs. i'm sub-human. i love vicodin.
He just posted pic of sad weiner and half a butt cheek. That is it. I HATE online dating.
i just used google streetview to figure out where i spent the night last night
She rolled a blunt with one hand...and instantly I had a boner, I'm going to marry this girl.
Ryan just walked out of his frat house with a case of beer, a 6 dollar bottle of vodka, and a pillow. He's good to go.
votings over. no more wacking it to anti christine o'donnell ads
He looked at me and said "Last call" before putting his penis away into his boxers
why are all my papers due the day after my potential hangover
i sucked his cock and got snuggles in return. I'm the mother Theresa of giving in a relationship.
A black suburban rolled up and a scary suited guy got out the passenger side and opened the door for her as she got in. Then drive off. Who did I just fuck?
We can Fuck in the shower to save time
And this is why I like you. You're so damn innovative.
My balls are resting on a block of frozen cheese in a sealed bag
I love standing in line at rite aid for 10 minutes being forced to talk to my ex's mom about life while I'm holding nothing but yeast infection cream
When I woke up this morning I swear my mouth tasted like dick and rolaids.
Randomize
