there is a priest convention in the hotel. i feel like god is laughing at me.
Just rolled over and realized my vodka goggles are not as functional as my beer goggles
Can I sleep on your couch? My wife just found my eHarmony account.
We're trying to see who can drink the most and still be eligible to donate blood tomorrow.
Birthday Treasure Hunt was to follow the clues. At each spot there was a stick on tattoo and a shot and at the end there was 2 cases of beer. I have 13 tattoos and don't remember turning 18.
She had me dip my balls in cake batter ice cream from cold stone and then tea bag her. Let's get weird just got a whole new meaning.
If I die tonight and was cremated, you could probably get high off the smoke.
I hate that you live in a gated community. I feel your guard judges me every time I go to your house at 3 am an leave at 5am
where are you?
talk to ya later, gotta sled down these stairs real quick
He's trying to marry me, when is the appropriate time to tell him my real name and that Dallas is a completely fictitious slutty alter ego? I need the advice of someone with morals.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
there's a drunk hobo under the bridge wearing a jester hat and screaming at women
If you're funny as hell and have a mustache, odds are I'm probably gonna fuck you
I need to stop being so honest when I'm drunk. I got proposed to by a stranger again last night. It's not my fault that I would be perfectly ok making sandwiches and giving blow jobs for the rest of my life.
Andddddd I'm drunk
Andddddd it's Tuesday
That's your opinion.
Randomize
