maybe next time you shouldn't be drinking alone watching intervention at 3 am and no one would think you needed an intervention.
I had to hold off a girl who was trying to check your pulse while you were passed out. She kept screaming that she was a nursing major and needed to make sure you were alive.
he belly flopped onto the beer pong table, and almost boke his face, so at that point we decided swimming would be safer for him.
I'm covered in egg mcmuffin wrappers and my room smells like dead hooker.
Walked girl from last night to car as gf was driving up. Got slow clap from neighbors.
Any man who has a face like that and a bike, deserves a vagina like yours permanently.
If I win the contest of drinking the most water I get a chicken nugget.
Is it unethical to trim my bush hair with the scissors from my office?
I don't know what his name was or what he looked like, but I remember him rocking me to sleep with his cock
Yeah, I got home from work at like 9:30, and he was passed out on the couch wearing only a tee shirt and The Jurassic Park theme on repeat.
I let him use my phone and now I keep getting gay cruise ads, I guess he forgot to mention something.
I just threw up a strange neon green substance. Did I eat a glow stick last night?
Dear Ex-Sister-in-Law, I never thought I would say this, but I just found your panties in my back seat. Please remind me to give them back.
Pretty sure he proposed because my house is awesome. His ass is a ten and he's offering to pay more than half the bills... How expensive is a divorce really? I mean I could probably put up with him for three or four years but a lifetime is a big ask.
We’ve got a propane heater on our back porch if you want to come over and eat a McRib in peace
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