tonights recap: old cokehead freind proposed in the middle of a country bar to his trash girlfriend, saw ex-fuck who now has star shaved into his head and another with his gf, and ex-bfs best friends crackin jokes about who would fuck me first. NEVER COMING HOME AGAIN
Intervention is following me on twitter.
wow.
Hey I think I found part of your tooth next to your wine bottle in the floor board of my car.
Yea he doesn't really know about any of this yet but my game plan is to keep wowing him with my vagina and cooking skills. It's up too future me to handle the rest.
4 people stoned, 3 boys I've slept with, 2 I gave chlamydia, and a partridge in a pear treeeeee
How festive
My black heart of coal cannot compete with your boiling crock pot of teddy bears, rainbows, 90s music, and the good candy you get from rich people on Halloween.
so hungover. I'm actually considering eating the snow off the roof so I don't have to leave my bed
Holy. Fuck. This mans mouth is magical. I love married men. I don't have to teach them.
I was a bouncer for about 90 seconds until the real bouncers figured out that I was doing their job
But the problem is you celebrate with your heart but I celebrate with my liver
You wrapped yourself in tin-foil and told us you were Iron Man. I have pictures.
I mean, I want you to have freaky orgasmic fun to entertain me, but I don’t want you to risk HIV or car crashes
WAIT this kid is eating yogurt with a fucking ladle. what is happening?
idk he wanted to trade sex for a triple order of hashbrowns
AND YOU SAID NO?????????
I have to charm this cab driver. Hold on.
Randomize
