dont quote avril lavinge. im to drunk.
phone sex would be way better if there was an app for that...
he puked in my glove box, looked up at me and said "There's not much to say"
You know your in for a great weekend when you buy the booze already in crutches
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
No kidding. I just keep looking at that 'under 21 until 11/21/2011' on my id and whispering "soon enough"
Printed off fake 'Producer' Sundance badges for us. Pretty sure they double as free passes for getting laid by 'actresses'. Testing this theory tonight.
His daughter is our waitress. I left her a ten dollar 'I'm sorry I'm a whore and fucked your dad' tip...
If we can only get laid once in a blue moon, apparently this will be our month.
My new hangover cure is going for a haircut, just so the stylists give me a scalp massage during the shampoo.
That certainly explains the nine times your hair has looked different just this last month alone.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Build a thousand brigdes, lick one butthole. What am I remembered for? Buttholelicking.
And that kids is the last time I ever try to outdrink Germans
Question #1: Why am I on my living room floor? Question #2: Where did the bloody footprints come from? Question #3: Why are there two McChickens next to the wine bottle?
Her new crush is a 6'2" guacamole baron that may also be a Jedi.
He told me he felt the only proper thing to do was fuck me to the top of the corporate ladder
She called a 10 year old handsome and we gave her a look that was equal parts confused and “what the hell is wrong with you”
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