I told him next time he kisses her to remember where that mouth has been...
How'd that go?
Hes on his way with a baseball bat...
Plus she can make a mean sandwich! That's all I really need. Well that and foot jobs...
tonight lets celebrate not being married
I just woke up and checked my e-mail, and apparently while drunk I bought a blowtorch. Thought you'd want to know.
There are topless girls riding the lawn flamingos. I win.
These old men are woofing at me..PLEASE HURRY
Nobody knows who the hobo or dude who whipped out his balls is
Found a girl that was gonna make out with 25 people for her 25th birthday. I was like #12. Made top half!
I wish your snatch was here
If my snatch could sprout wings I'd fly to you
He's on the floor in just a Burberry tie. All my girl parts just tapped out.
I'm doing an Uber ride of shame in a red, white and blue bikini top and America shorts. Good for me.
Weirdest drunk sex ever. His sweat dripped into my eyeball and then he looked down and asked me why I was crying. I went with it.
I came so hard I literally levitated off the top of his dick. Gravity was no match for that orgasm!
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
Nothing will ever be as awkward as looking my mother in the eye and talking to her while I have a dick inside me. Time for a lock on my door.
Randomize
