I saw an Asian dude carrying a patchwork denim purse get into a car with two rednecks at the grocery store tonight. Imagine what I could have seen if I had actually done something interesting.
Ever since I got married, I've become the MacGuyver of masturbation
im in class. still drunk. wearing one sock. eating a breakfast sandwich and trying to make sure this bottle of whiskey doesnt fall out of my purse in front of my professor
She's like a pop up book from hell.
i love that he's uncircumcised. it makes handjobs so much easier. it's the lazy susan of penises.
Not complaining, but why is there a Russian chick downstairs making latkes?
Mmmhmmm sure, nice try, but there's certain wounds that only bj's can heal
Lying on this bed is like lying on love and marshmallows and joy
How hard to you think I will be judged if I order 8 giant pickles from Jimmy Johns right now?
If it meant we had chicks like that every weekend I would gay marry the shit out of you dude
I can't believe he just friend zoned me like that.
Dude, you're not even gay.
No worries, I've prioritized my homework into "can do drunk" and "should be sober" categories. We're good.
Watching a guy masturbate in real time is a lot less theatrical than porn had me to believe.
i told someone my fallback plan was to be a slutty bartender and i needed the practice as i straddled them to pour a shot
I am in no place to make rational decisions, but right now i want you inside me
Randomize
