i can hardly tell the difference between falling asleep and passing out anymore
He shit in the bushes next to the pool at the Venetian, after throwing up in the hallway. You really can do anything in Vegas.
OMG HAIR ON HIS DICK. HAIR ON HIS DICK AS IN GROWING OUT OF HIS DICK. HAIR.
He crawled in my bed this morning, ate me out, and even brought me a panera deli sammie for lunch at school. I don't care what he lied about, all is forgiven him.
I woke up next to her will a oven mit taped to my cock. Dear god, I might have tried to use it as a condom.
We were thinking he might be gay. Like how the fuck do you not even make out with a girl that made you a grilled cheese
hanging out with you guys is like living the wikipedia entry for drugs...not sure i can handle that tonight.
He is currently pregaming mini golf. MINI GOLF.
I want you to read this conversation tomorrow and be proud of the fact that you taught me how to decipher any drunk message. Good job.
Our relationship is representative of a cognitive bias that leads to bad decision making and misplacement of resources. So should we pick up some whiskey tomorrow?
I just had the worst experience of my life, my grandma found my condoms.
Do you know how hard it is to be while you're high with a chuck Norris poster in the bathroom?
Just go read my twitter... There's a play by play. It starts with a penis pump
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
i'm not so sure everythign we did last night was legal...
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