He made me pinky-promise that he gave me an orgasm.
Jake just asked if thanksgiving was an american thing...I left the table
Found my puke from September encrusted to the floor under the dresser while cleaning before move out ..... Oh Freshman year
Said he had been eating pineapple for a week before our 1st date. Not sure if thankful for his consideration or offended by his assumption.
I'm kind of concerned that there are now two different videos of me with knives
Just bought all my wine for the weekend with a check at 11am. I'm almost judging myself.
How do I tell my child he was conceived on a barstool in South Alabama?
He had seven beers and tap-danced on the table like a pro. HOW DOES HE DO IT
my roommates tied me up with rope and duct tape then left me outside the door to the hot girls' suite on my floor, knocked on the door and ran away leaving me there with a sign that says free
Just described you as looking like "a very cute escapee from an Egyptian insane asylum"
What procrastination leads to: I have submitted a third of my job applications this week with a BAC that would get me arrested
I finished my first whiskey and I'm waiting to have a second one in celebration when your pregnancy test comes back negative
Do you think in an oreo forest they would have rivers of milk?
Remember the guy with the pretty voice that gave us crabs?
death, taxes, and me drunk texting you are 3 certainties in life
Randomize
