My roomate just said the he would "tap dat" to the 13 out of control girl on maury. Im finding a new place in the morning.
The best part was that when I woke up, I poked her with my dick to wake her up, and said, "Hi, I'm Alex. Nice to meet you". Shoulda seen the look on her face. Priceless.
It's always a surprise to see what songs I shazamed and downloaded last night while we were drunk at the bar.
We had break up sex twice. He said one was cause he had to say goodbye to both tits.
I'm eating my emotions. I am no longer interested in anybody other than my own hand and vagina.
Then he started caressing my eye brow. Like repetedly. For at least 15 minutes. It was strangely mesmerizing
My mother just made an innapropriate gesture with a cucumber while grocery shopping at whole foods... Then she said "bitches love cucumbers" and all this time i thought i was adopted
I can't believe this. 100 bucks says my Botox lasts longer than their marriage will.
He thought I was gay. I had to explain I just really like wearing flannel.
Drunk me is basically the Oprah of nudes. Everyone gets one.
Honestly who turns down a free blowjob?
Oh hello Jordan's parents, I'm here to have sex with your son. He's in the shower? Oh great, I'll join him
Like when your most normal sex dream is you being a prostitute, you know it's been one long ass dry spell.
Just bought shot glasses from the thrift store. I think the guy buying a winter coat was even judging me.
I finally selected an outfit that says "I'm not easy" but still shows off the tittays.
Randomize
