Was i wearing a white blazer when you superpoke danced me??
Are you going to tell your therapist we boned?
She was giving you that "I really want to blow you but I have to act professional" look. Guaranteed
Drag queen told me that I have the cheek bones to do drag. That's supposed to boost my moral.
Sitting here reading the internet and all i have to show for this summer is a shitty tan and the possible case of clamidia.
Is there a special protocol when the stripper has a Boba Fett tattoo?
Okay so I'm high eating chili cheese fries bra-less watching Mulan, could I be doing any better at life right now?
Yes, if by 'finishing my business' you mean vomiting in her bathtub and losing my watch.
How'd your Tinder date go?
Well, I met his girlfriend...
You offered the police officer a Snickers ice cream bar and cried when he wouldn't take it...
The last person that asked me out got pushed down an escalator
When you trip so hard that you can see your friends thoughts through their pupils.
Hey do you remember me?
You were a giant banana.... how could I forget.
She said my penis was powerful and magnificent
We're just starting to open presents and I already need a shot. This is gonna be a long Christmas day.
Randomize
