You should really come over right now. There's hot construction workers across the street. I'm gonna go pour beer on myself in a bikini on the sidewalk. See you in 5?
Well, we missed our public lewdness court date. Looks like were going to jail in Alabama ...
I had sex on an exercise ball. The inevitable has occurred.
I need to stop drinking. Side note- we have a party bus tonight. So the drinking will have to end after that
Talk me down man. Writing a paper drunk and about to buy Celine Dion's greatest hits.
She was our DD the least I could do is have sex with her. Even when drunk I'm still chivalrous.
Um....sorry for hooking up with your brother last night...
Actually i take that back. You dropped the whiskey last night and broke the bottle. Were even
We couldn't find him for like 4 hours. Turns out he was sitting under a tree and had thrown his phone in a lake because he couldn't figure out how to unlock it. Freshmen.
Drunk cheerio confetti may seem like a brilliant idea when your drunk, but believe me, the next day, its a horrible, horrible mess.
My mom now keeps ice cubes on hand for my bong water. We may be able to work this relationship out.
I'm at a bar where I literally walked in to the bathroom and some chick told me to never go to San Joaquin state pen
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
She's eating hot cheetos out of the bag with chopsticks, Matt, how is she NOT my soulmate?
Maybe you should slow down tonight...
KINGS DON'T NEED ADVICE FROM LITTLE HORN-BILLS FOR A START
The creeper at the bar just realized we have the same birthday and bought me four beers already. He walked off so I took his change and dashed, i'm bringing the case over now.
Randomize
