I almost didn't wake up for my first day of work. The 3rd bottle of champagne was a mistake. And the 2nd bottle of wine after that was probably excessive
you were almost asleep and mumbling "your penis is on my cheek"
I'm so high I just tried to eat a hair tie thinking it was one of my pretzels.
fine. I googled it. you have to eat 5 to die so apparently I'm in the clear.
He told me he felt like he shoud say thank you and as a prize i could keep anything from his room that i wanted.
Sometimes you gotta take mushrooms and swim on a rooftop pool to figure out your relationship
I was just randomly reminded of the night you were wrapped up in a bed sheet carrying a full bottle of cookie dough vodka and warning neighbors of the weirdos running around
I didn't wake up drunk this year...I must be getting soft
Yeah I guess quad-fisting Miller Lites just isn't as effective as it used to be
If it snows I'm making an igloo and getting wasted in it
I can't believe you're forcing me to handle this hangover sober
Sabotage it. Cum quick. Make it awkward so you don't hurt her feelings. Who says nice guys finish last?
Just fantasized about my boss's fingers in a meeting. I desperately need to get some.
'allo, good sire. how dost thy day goeth?
oh no. you're at that weird Renaissance Festival thing again, aren't you?
I am an inebriated elf. you may fucketh off.
I feel like my toilet water looks different when outsiders use my bathroom...
Are you high right now?
HOW DID YOU KNOW!
No reason. My tongue went numb after one shot. I may die tonight
Randomize
