is your mom at the bar?
I am no longer a man. I just realized I prefer Spongebob to college football.
The tricky part is not getting sand in any orifices. Or is the plural orifi? Orifi don't, we'll both be unhappy...
For the whole 7 seconds I lasted, I was in heaven.
Cops showed up at 4 am to address a noise complaint and she called them pussies for not doing shots with us.
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
i woke up this morning next to my toilet covered in an attempt to make blanket of toilet paper
i just ate a whole pizza and threw it back up in the time span of 13 minutes. give me the number to guiness book of world records.
I just had a flashback to the three of us in the bed and me shouting AM I THE BIGGEST OR LITTLEST SPOON?!
Oh hey. I left my beer there. Beer is more important than my pride. I want to pick that up.
On a scale of zero to "unmitigated disaster," how drunk is he?
8 stitches. Next time I decide to twerk while doing a keg stand, stop me.
Please remind me next time not to call the ex who cheated on me to cry about the ex who forgave me for putting him in prison. It would be much appreciated.
he said he was going to fuck me like a rabbit in heat. What he should have said was faster then a train and over before a commercial
I'm both gender and math confused
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