why did i make a hit list last night containing only McDonalds?
you tried to order a magarita mcflurry and when they said they didnt make those you tried to call 911
i woke up with someone drivers licenses in my wallet this am...he said i don't have a business card so just take my drivers license
Lady came into work yesterday. Full on stache and beard. I've never concentrated on making eye contact harder in my life.
i am not allowed to pick the men i sleep with anymore
Disregard any previous text from the past 12 hours. Except for the one about scoring a strike while drunk bowling. Remember that one.
I'm not gonna not go for it, she's foreign and pulled a shotglass out of her thong.
There are too many people on this bus for it to be even REMOTELY okay that I'm wearing a puke covered sweater
In your defense, I really thought capturing that alligator would have been a lot more awesome and a lot less tragic.
RIP Mr Bojangles.
I am in fact going to raffle myself off for a night. If you are interested in buying a ticket let me know. $10 a ticket.
Dont care what i do tnt just as long as i get to chug a beer in somebodys face
Seriously. What did you do to me. You have a monstercoooooock.
I can't believe I just typed monstercoooooock. Twice.
You know what it feels like? It feels like I'm in that prison from the dark knight rises. That's what being a virgin in college feels like.
I can't believe that after 9 years of signing things as "BATMAN", the first place to turn it down was the liquor store down the block.
Ok well my life just seems more exciting by default because I'm dating my married boss and sexting with my ex
First she snuck beer into the movies and then proceded to give me a handjob in the dark theatre. I think I'm in love
Randomize
