last night was the icing on my 3 week vodka binge cake
Fucking Canada. At least when they wake up tomorrow they're still in Canada
are any of them hardcore sluts...just absolute worthless human beings? if not the paper wins
I love memorial day. It's drinking in the name of patriotism. God Bless America
Just found the bucket list I wrote when I was high...somehow I dont think "jello swimming pool" is gonna happen.
We can't all go after the girl with the low self-esteem
I was fingering her, she was moaning, and we were singing Mulan
At what point in my life did a night that has strippers, belly dancers, tequila and a midget become "average"?
Was behind a guy going 20 for 4 miles I'll be there as soon as the universe quits fucking me
You're the second person to offer to fuck me in the bathroom at work. Idk whether I should feel honored, or if cvs is just a turn on.
As we were leaving a memorial service last night he turns to me and says, is it too soon for a post funeral blowie?
Do you remember the guy that smelled like hot dogs?
Block me from your phone tonight…I need to get laid tonight. But you've been being a douchebag. So not by you. But I might call you. So block me.
WHY WOULD I COCK BLOCK MYSELF???
my dad just built a flame thrower.. you should probably get here
Officially hit an ultimate low today. I was so hung-over I threw up on the ground in front of the jousting display in the London tower. But on a positive note, Brits are very understanding when you vomit on their history.
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