Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
After he came all over my face, he proceeded to give me a high five. I can't even act upset because I always put myself in these situations. Did I mention D3: Mighty Ducks was playing in the background?
I think the only thing that impresses me are nice penises...and Jesus. Jesus would impress me. Especially if he walked on water again.
Midnight walks are trippy
I tried to do that earlier, but I was alone and scared, so I stole a happy Birthday balloon.
He told me to pretend to be a shark, and he would slay me with his harpoon cock.
"reccomended dose" hasn't been in my vocabulary for quite some time.
he opened up his "box of magic": a crusty tube of KY jelly, three expired condoms, a fingertip vibrater, and a jar of marshmallow fluff.
Good ideas don't start with we have a bottle of vodka..
Did the game of beer pong go wrong before or after the cops and fire department showed up?
BABIES FOR EVERYONE. I'd be like Oprah except with babies
When he was fat he reminded me of my high school best friend and I just wanted to hug him and hug him. Also, he's funny and humor is the fastest way into my pants after Doctor Who and liquor.
If I send Ben a tit pic but I do it while wearing a Tom Brady mask is that funny or creepy
Did I see you at the bar last night?
Yes. You just kept grabbing my boobs and saying how much better they are than yours...
oh i see... well this is a positive first step in you courting him for sex.
What the hell kind of sad excuse for a bottom are you
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