Cut to me doing the walk of shame to work from a hotel.
mom just said that her bf is good in bed. fml.
i am watching a movie about a vagina with teeth and then you sent that to me while im eating sushi.
just walked past a girl in her cap and gown puking her brains out beside a tree. her friends were taking pictures of her.
i remember getting really pissed off when you wouldn't let me sleep in the garage with your cat.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
But i guess when you use blowjob as a verb you are entitled to some language allowances
He came up behind me making dolphin noises in my ear when I noticed a collection of hors d'ouevres from the reception earlier in his jacket pocket
I will never doubt you again...he IS perfect for you
Hostess is going out of business we'll never survive the apocalypse
I found my keys in the basement freezer. Drunk me is a sneaky little bastard.
when i got home she was standing in my front yard not wearing a shirt and halfway crying/ halfway laughing
I walk in and my mom has a Christian workout program playing. It's like, gospel music with an "electronic" beat to go with it. And then they try to save your soul at the end. I hate being home.
purchased gas station taquitos and condoms at 4 this morning. It has been magical..
I started crying during a meeting at work and now I'm sitting on my couch drinking boxed wine at 1:30 in the afternoon. Fuck you too estrogen.
I just had a dream that I was fighting Donald Trump... Gotta stop watching the news before bed
I'M GOING TO DIE ALONE WITHOUT ANYONE PRETENDING TO BE A MARRIED COUPLE WHILE DRUNK AT A MALL WITH ME
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