you looked like a weeble wobble. everytime we thought you were going to fall you bounced back up...you're an amazing drunk
I shagged another guy with one ball last night. Are there really that many dudes with one nut in la or am I just a magnet for prostetic testes?
Just an FYI: The offer for you to come snow blow my driveway in return for sexual favors is still on the table
I just saw her shopping list. The only things on it are blackberries, hot fudge and condoms. I almost don't wanna know. Almost.
That's what you get for drunk dialing me to ask what kind of flowers I like while outside of a strip club, after telling me you "made it rain"
i still can't believe we survived that barcrawl. the third bar had bullet holes and we still went in.
Question: trumpet bong. Can it work.
Do you remember lying across two tables saying 'go away I'm trying to pull' to me, Sollie and Sean?
I made my uber driver take a pit stop between clubs so we could restock on Xanax. #priorities
We shall need something stronger. Anal lube, the blood of a giraffe, and a bay leaf should do the trick. Make the paste and cover your left knee and anus in it.
The poop emoji wasn't even in my recents. Does that mean I'm growing up?
i am currently wearing a bowl of frosting on my head. i do not regret any of my life choices leading to this moment
I'm not gonna plow a chick in front of her 14 year old brother....
You claimed that someone else had vomited underneath you/on your hand
you were very insulted that we didn’t believe you that someone else vommed
i was so blazed last night that i kept imagining a talking eagle sitting next to me encouraging me to smoke more... i listened to it.
Randomize
