My secretary told me she wishes she can have an affair with someone in the office (she's separated from her cheating husband)...Umm...Okaaay
I'm in a strip club that reminds me of a crack house from the 80's.
he had to chose between the booze and condoms
what did he choose?
the booze, then looked at me and said, plan b is free right?
we've already established he's totally wasted. but now he's just sitting at his computer, doing i don't know what, and he keeps saying "dammmn girl" in a really low whisper
Come on. It's already happy hour in Europe...Man up. "I'm at work" and "it's a tuesday" are not valid excuses.
WHY AM I ALWAYS THE GAY FRIEND?!?!
Oh you're gonna love this story. I almost cut off a little girl's pony tail.
i love that feeling when you wake up and have no idea how you got back to your dorm or why you have mac and cheese on your cheeks and eyelashes in your mouth
I believe its time to stop celebrating Thanksgiving. I've been drunk for over a week. If my liver doesn't give out, and I'm not pregnant I will truly have something to be thankful for.
The money is just too good to quit doing it. I'm using the same justification strippers use.
Pretending to leave a voicemail when the person answers the phone....that's gotta be drunk dial level 99
well i don't NEED my liver but it's nice to have one when you're trying to have a good time
of fours songebofy did dknt stop believing
how legible are my texts
I gave you chlamydia, you gave me a concussion. Now we're even.
Reminder to self: never have sex on a trampoline. Trampoline burn hurts worse than carpet burn.
Randomize
