Did you know that cab drivers don't take quarters for payment? They don't even like it when you ask.
I saw two morbidly obese women get winded after fighting over the last motorized wheelchair at Walmart
These are the moments in life you observe a force greater than us at work
Bagel with cream cheese. It's blowing my fucking mind.
How high are you right now..
I MICROWAVED IT. SIGNIFICANT IMPROVEMENT.
Apparently I confessed my love for him last night. Also, my love for cash4gold commercials.
I'm stuck on the dance floor between two fat people. I don't think they feel my existence. Please help.
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
I had fun watching you interact with the world around you. Like a fuckin 8 year old kid who just discovered build a bear but really wants a cigarette.
We're downstairs cleaning up and she turns to me with these big puppy dog eyes and says "Just so you know, I didn't have sex on your couch". You have to hug that.
The homeless guy who goes through my garbage cans just gave me a flyer for an AA group.
I hooked up with a blind guy last night... he's clapping in order to find his way around our apartment
Seriously considering modifying my computer case so it can dispense wine. I need to make a bunch of changes and reorganize it's guts anyway....
Beer and xanax may be a bad combo, but I don't really care due to the beer and the xanax.
Not as great as when your drunk mom grabbed my junk, but better than when your sober grandma sacktapped me and grabbed my butt.
I don't know where you went, but if you're anywhere near the liquor, pour me another drink
so he found out i have him as "average size" in my phone. fair to say we arnt going to be dating anymore
Randomize
