Oh fyi, I gave your card to a homeless guy last night and told him you were the world's hottest blonde girl who only likes black men...Sorry
2 am we went back to his house. his mom handed us beers and cooked us pancakes. the next morning his dad had washed my car. i lied. living at home after college definitely does not suck.
There was a guy running for some position in our government named "young boozer" hell yes I voted for him
we went from five shot glasses to three in one night. we lost 'badass' and gumbi, but the ninja turtle survived. courtney says to avoid any more casualties we're not allowed to use shot glasses past 1am. and we're not allowed to throw them
I'm in the power napping at parties stage of my life
In a bar surrounded by couples hooking up. I'm just staring at one. Not drunk enough. Come save me.
I'm tripping balls on ambien right now and I still feel that's a bad idea.
I just gave my mom some ones that look like they've probably been in some strippers cooter. Oops.
Haha. Just tell your mom not to smell them
Hey mom, most of this money I'm giving you is in ones. Don't ask why and whatever you do don't smell them.
Sounds legit to me.
But now I'm just thinking when he said he "worked for the airline" he actually meant drug smuggling.
He made me tacos after the sex. Best date ever!
I need you to teach me how to be roommates with somebody I'm not fucking.
I offer naked tickle fights and orgasms and you call it trouble. I call that Christmas.
Okay well for one he didn't speak any english but before any happened he made me use the translator to consent
You faceplanted on the railroad tracks and when I tried to tell you to get up, you told me you were "taking a quick breather"
Smoked a joint with mom, best Thanksgiving ever!
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