I think my vagina is haunted
Looks like I will be paying for the roofie I slipped myself in 9 months.
You put your red cup in a chain link fence and kept telling me you could use it as a telescope
separated laundry into 'got laid' and 'didn't get laid' piles.
Her vagina smelled like bad decisions
I made a game called come to class high and eat nachos.
I had a dream she was puking on me, but sadly in real life she was puking on me too
Why do I love Florida? Because I just quit my job because it's too pretty a day to go to work and I'm going to the beach to eat seafood and drink beer.
I would fuck him In a heartbeat, an obese child running up stairs with an irregular heartbeat, heartbeat.
It's not your birthday unless mom picks you up at the bar
I went to an adult Halloween party last night dressed as Mrs. Doubtfire, but I woke up on a stranger's couch surrounded by sleeping children in karate gi's. And I accidentally flushed my granny wig mid-puke, so if they wake up I'm gonna have to convince them that I'm just a weird older man and not a terrible cross dresser.
How did you come to this point in your life?
Good bartenders.
On the way to have sex with my ex's roommate... I have hit a new low
I told her I'd rather set my hair on fire than sleep with her again. In retrospect, that was probably too harsh. My eye is still swollen shut.
I woke up with my shoes on but pants in the fish tank
We are so disgustingly codependent and I wouldn't have it any other way
Randomize
