if you do not get any action from him tonight, I am personally walking my drunk ass over there grabbing his tongue and sticking it in your mouth. this is getting ridiculous
Got hit on at a funeral service by cougar. I think I just got Reverse Will Ferrell'd.
drunk guy next to me on the train just tried to share his pizza with me
he just tried to feed it to me...i love new york
drunk. just smoked a spliff with a 19yr old hungarian bike taxi driver and bonded over the difficulties of getting weed in a different country. idk y shit like this isnt in the study abroad info packets
PROFESSOR JUST TOOK A SHOT WITH US BEFORE CLASS. WELCOME TO THE LAST DAY OF FINALS.
First of all you're supposed to say "you're not fat". And second of all never ever deprive me of nachos.
Hopefully my orange shoes will distract people's attention from my crippling awkwardness
It's 3 in the morning and there is a bird chirping it's head off outside. GOD DAMNIT THIS IS NOT A TIME TO SING OF YOUR CHEERFUL BIRD MERRIMENT YOU STUPID BIRD CUNT!
So when the drug raid cops tell you, you should get out of the relationship, it probably means its time.
It's like sexual waterboarding. You gave me sex so good I'm comparing it to torture. Jesus.
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
my birth father cheated on his wife with my birth mother. it's literally in my blood to be a home wrecker.
I just borrowed porn from my middle aged mother. This is what desperate looks like.
Yeah that stuff was rough. We insisted on wearing our bikinis all down college ave, and at several parties that were not beach themed
I feel like 20 angels jizzed in my mouth. This cupcake is DELICIOUS!
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