So how was he last night?
Five-minute foot-long.
I just feng shui'd our living room furniture. You may be mad in the morning
Do you think Conan would leave his wife for me?
i want to have as much fun as i did last weekend. but plus the condom and minus the fear.
Do you want the really bad news or the bad news? Or do you want it in chronological order?
Her life is proof that being a drunken slut will get you places.
You may or may not have poured bacon fat down her shirt
Hey, umm this is awkward but I want to apologize in case you find gum in your pubes. Not sure if I swallowed it or spit it out. It's all a blur.
I don't care that you had sex on my bed. I care that you used my lollipop condom. I was saving that for a special occasion
It was a special occasion. Your best friend had crazy awesome sex on your bed. Thank you
You made out with him a lot. Almost as much as you told everyone Paul was the zamboni guy.
Tempting guys with beer and cheese. How Midwestern are we?
omg so there's this guy on the roof and he just stripped for no reason and now i think he's making out on the rooftop with some other guy? who are these people
I'm sharing a breakfast burrito w my uber driver
How drunk are you?
Completed.
She’s the kind of asshole whose face I want to put on a T-shirt just so I can go outside and burn it.
Randomize
