I thnk I just saw a monkey walking a drunk guy.
Don't really want to talk about it. You were right. She had a whole jar of toenail clippings on her nightstand that she chews on "when her fingernails are too short." Direct quote.
gettin pulled by a cop with a camera crew. gonna flee. want my 15 min of fame on cops.
I really need to find better places to throw up. I would like to be able to use the bathroom sink the next morning for brushing my teeth
Who cheats on Christmas eve? It's just asking for Jesus to hate you
Drunk puking in my bathtub has plugged it up for the third time this year. I hate these calls to my landlord.
Hey so when you left last night was i wearing shoes?
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
I HAVE NEVER BEEN FRIENDZONED IN MY LIFE AND THIS GIRL IS GOING TO MAKE ME QUESTION EVERYTHING. LIKE A GODDAMN CUNT. A WONDERFUL, BEAUTIFUL, MAJESTIC, LESBIAN CUNT.
Booty calls should never involve the cops.
To me, you're the Patron Saint of good music and handjobs
We were right in the middle of sex and all of a sudden his kids toy story action figure starts talking "I think the word your searching for is Space Ranger." A literal Buzz kill. It was equally creepy and hilarious.
Its amazing how creative youll get when your house has been out of toilet paper for a week and a half
You told me you could hear my heartbeat through my penis but your methods were unethical.
Sixty five beats a minute. I stand by that.
Sorry for not calling you back. I got drunk and passed out on the kitchen floor. I just found my phone in the shower.
Randomize
