if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I'm treating myself to a " uve slept with yet another mr. Wrong" breakfast
I just want you to know that I hid the weed. Once you find another job, I'll tell you where it is. Happy Hunting, bro.
I feel like a blind man at a water park. Every step has the potential to be either fatal or lead to accidental, but totally enjoyable, sex.
There is no try. Just do it. Yoda said that. Or Nike. I can't remember. whiskey
Alright, who started the "how long till dereck gets deported from Australia" pool? I want in on that.
Do not shit in our house. There is no TP. I am walking to get more, if I do not return, I have probably died of dysentery after my last wagon wheel got stuck in a gulch. Tell Martha and Lou Ann that I love them, and that I passed away doing the Lord's work.
Ooo, yeah! Thanksgiving will be a blast. Can't fuckin wait for the next round of "have you found a nice young man yet?" Followed by a lovely helping of "don't worry, there's someone out there for you."
Was having relations of the behind variety with my girlfriend. Based on where we were at I could see myself in the bathroom mirror. You know I did the Patrick Bateman point and wink at the mirror and turned on sissudio by Phil Collins.
You were a hurricane of blowjobs and glitter makeup. You came out of the closet and took the house down with it
My Tinder date from last night is my Uber driver for tonight's Tinder date...neither of us said a word.
Basically I think I'm replacing men/sex with theme parks.
I'm recovering from the blowjob...She's doing her taxes...
why is there a thong in the fridge-NOT MINE-and a half of a pickle on the stairs?!
I don't wear thongs. The picle was for dipping. Ill explain later. Lacy or plain thong ?
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
