I peed while puking? Even better
Yes you most deff did. Ultimate multi tasker you are
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
I'll keep you from getting pregnant and you keep my papers gramaticallly correct
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
She's opening her family birthday cards at the bar. So we can pay our tab. Bitches wrote checks :(
I asked him why the bed was wet and got.."well there are two options... and its not you."
Not only did I get beyond cray cray this weekend. My body has nursed itself to plentiful and impeccable health. Fuck you world, I am back.
I just found a half a joint in my bed. . .don't know if this qualifies as a proud moment or a cry for help
You know that girl that climbed through my window and got in my bed with me and fucked me? It turns out she was real and has a real boyfriend who is real pissed
He interrupted me giving him head to ask if I were hungry, because he wanted to eat pizza. Wtf.
Your poor dick will look at you and scowl for all the abuse he's going to take this week.
You don't get to call me bro after you've had your dick in me.
why the hell did we go to a rave last night?
we didn't?
definitely went to a bar with strobe lights
JENNIFER. You passed out in a toilet with a color changing light in it.
In the last 2 hours I managed to have romantic starlit sex on the beach as the tide came in with not only just a gorgeous man, but one who happens to be Eastern European and finishing Harvard law school.
Oh wow. I want to be you right now.
try to milk me bitch
Randomize
