I'll probably hate you when I'm sober
I thought I was at a rave until the paramedics started chasing me. You win again tequila.
was stoked on phone sex until he started reciting lines from star wars
Well now I have my semen on her headphones
Like that girl needs to get her shit together. For her vagina's sake.
explain the broken jalepenos in my underwear drawer?
A total of 95 cents was stuck to my ass the next morning.
Apparently we were arguing for captain seats so I shouted "who has your virginity." I got the seat.
I just peed in a flower pot on the veranda while crying and holding a drink
Is it a good time to tell him he's getting too clingy if he sent me a picture of my name spelled with Cheerios?
Btw he dated my mom. You're Eskimo siblings with my mom. Good job.
I just sent you a multitude of sexual pictures...and you responded with a Charles Dickens Quote.
My moral compass cannot be waived by two measly bloody Mary's
Okay, first we buy a pirate outfit and then we get drunk, you in or you out?
First day of school is awesome. I get to meet my students and figure out which of their mothers I’ I’m going to bang
Randomize
