____ banged a stripper...well technically she's now a hooker...
Tim hortons said i dont meet their criteria. What the fuck criteria is that? You put bagels in an oven.
Singing into hair straightener during spice girls....sooo dangerous
you drank 3/4s of your half gallon of vodka, made a fort out of the kitchen table, and actaually had sex in in it.
47 days without vaginal penetration. Im pretty sure it's grown over.
Do you realize that if your cunt was a missing person it would be assumed dead?
We hadn't had sex in so long that I started queefing and then I couldn't stop giggling... I think he's mad.
When she was giving me head last night it felt like there was a NASCAR pit crew working on my dick.
She called him at 5 AM so that he'd be ready for her birthday breakfast and drinks at 6. This is why people don't need to wait until their 21st to have their first drink.
And don't try to lose a condom in me tonight. My vagina is not a storage compartment where you can just leave something and try and use it again later in the week.
So apparently blacked out me judges a man based on what type of dinosaur he would be...
I am a figure skater. You should know better than to let me get drunk near any patches of ice during Olympics season.
I just googled "creative ways to tell someone you'll give them a blow job". I'm losing my touch.
I need to get all the one night tinders in my system before I move back in with my parents
Our lives are a motherfucking joke
I traded some nice guy at the bar ten bucks and a pack of cigarettes for his leather jacket. I'm pretty sure I win at life. Whoever is in my phone as Tyler Durden, I thank you.
Randomize
