My Hamptons summer hookup resume reads like a walk-in clinic waiting list.
hahahahaha your sister just walked down from the guest house with a stain on the front of her shirt and "owned" written in blue sharpie on her forehead. i dont think she knows what happened last night either.
My biology professor just used the phrase "dick fairy" in a sentence. No, it didn't make more sense in context.
The dentist just giggled when he accidentally shot water across my face, I can sense how he treats women.
Restaurants Roasting People Who Gave Them Negative Yelp Reviews (25 Pics)
right before he passed out he said "take care of your tender spirit"
I am not apologizing for rubbing my balls on your leg...that is a risk you take when you come out to the bar with me
You convinced us both to take shots of jack Daniels through our eyes.
If she doesn't judge me for bringing my vibrator in the tanning bed, I know she is a true friend.
They sent me to the hospital. Apparently, of the many things I said, I looked at the doctor and told him, "Wow... it's like you're a REAL DOCTOR!"
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
Men are not even allowed to look at you without a condom on.
Me, him and the recently stolen carpet walked down the road and into the strip club. We had to check the carpet with our coats, it didn't mind missing out too much, later the door guy at Subway held carpet during late night sandwich selection.
Somehow I got food poisoning AND alcohol poisoning in the same night. Its like everything I love is trying to kill me. I'm waiting for my tv to make its move.
Despite popular belief cocaine is not a good pre-workout
Well shove his head down there and tell him not to stop til we have a new president!
Got baptized for New Years. In champagne and cheap vodka.
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