you were so drunk you tried to use the microwave as a calculator for your BAC
dont like to call her my roomate, too cordial. i refer to her as the whore that was assigned to live with me
Its 4 am and he honestly tried throwing pizza at his ceiling for decorations
Let me make this really simple. We woke up this morning and fucked three times. When I got up and took a shower she cleaned up the mess from last night and did the dishes. Then we went out and she bought me brunch. I don't give a FUCK how much you don't like her.
I'm drinking wine alone, eating leftovers, and cleaning my sex toys. For the love of god, do not graduate.
Seriously, even though I keep it clean, I could douse it in bleach and set it on fire and still not be comfortable with you actually holding it. It's been in my VAGINA.
We ended up at an Asian frat. I made out with two Mexicans at the same time and I pulled a muscle in my leg from twerking too low. Diversity.
It's ok, it's locked within patented Sealrite technology. That puke is staying fresh
Hahahahahha. You saved a homeless man. You're actually the mother Teresa of skanks.
Doug the spinning teacher gave me chlyamdia
If I could I'd magically teleport drugs and alcohol to you. Like a bad decision fairy.
Dude chill patience is a virtue.
WHY DOES PATIENCE HAVE TO BE A VIRTUE, WHY CAN'T HURRY THE FUCK UP BE A VIRTUE?
All I did today was eat pizza and use my vibrator.
Literally.... Guy kissing himself in mirror in this hotel elevator
You’re a genius! I just walked in, shut the door, blew him and left. He could barely move afterwards and was a hot mess at the presentation. He already sent me a calendar invite for another meeting
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