My uncrustable is thawing in my straightener
There is a good chance that the other night after a wedding reception i was at that i mailed you a drink coaster.
Trying to take a shit right now to the beat of the fuckin drumcircle outside... It's not goin well
Made myself shower before I'd masturbate. I probably should have wined and dined myself too, but that's pushing it too far.
There is a 90 percent chance I threw up in a mailbox last night....
"I made out with someone too, but then he tried to fuck and I played dead"
It's so hard to fall asleep when I can hear your genitals smacking against hers. I hate you with all the love in my heart.
At the ER. John needs stiches. Fuck pub trivia nights.
Never in my life did I think i would give a blow job in the bathroom of my old elementary school. Twice.
At least you didn't sleep with Ashley's uncle.
I can't get the smell of burned penis out of the house
The last thing I need is a possessed urethra.
gave up morals for lent, so far it's actually been really easy.
I'm going to use this quarantine time to improve my blowjob skills.
If the multiverse is real, would you screw yourself? I'd screw myself.
Randomize
