u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
I've never played a more sexually-tense game of Uno in my life.
Either there is a god and he hates masturbation, or one of my roommates stole my vibrator while I was in the shower.
He told me that if his bed could talk, it'd write a medical journal. Guess it's too late to worry about that now.
everyone thought he was too sick to make it, but he showed up. Ten minutes in and he's doing vodka shots with nyquil chasers
trading diseases for a hangover? that's either a really good decision or a really, really bad one. we'll find out if he wakes up tomorrow
Remember when I said "no boyfriend, no problems"? I lied. Tequila. Tequila is a problem.
I think I've had 45 beers today though So things are looking up.
I am still sore from last night. I can't wait for you to meet my parents.
I feel bad for his balls. Ive never seen so much sperm. He had to be dying
I just used a thesaurus to write a sext...
I just jerked off in front of my dog to make him jealous of my thumbs. There are consequences for stealing the last cheeto!
If you get any calls give me a heads up. Im drinking rum in my underwear on the back porch.
I'm prostituting myself for tickets to Disney World. There's a contradiction there.
He's standing in the corner rubbing his nipples and reflecting on poor life choices
We were high and the scary movies were scaring us too bad. Were all watching porn instead now
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