Just saw a squirrel crossing the road in a crosswalk..my morning has improved exponentially.
I woke up naked in my bathtub at 5:30 this morning. There's legit a spray tan body print of me in the fetal position in my tub.
So that's all you want from me. Easy ass.
And an everlasting friendship
He stumbled out of the bar bathroom at 3:30 am with his jeans unzipped and his dick hanging out - it was the physical manifestation of "blackout with your cock out"
Intramural soccer game tonight. Be ready for blood. I haven't sobered up since thursday
Basically I don't wanna put on pants...but I'm stoked for drinking my face off tomorrow.
Her family was right next to mine during christmas eve mass. Between the terrifying glares and her trying to set my sleeve on fire during the candle part I am VERY sure she knows im fucking her ex...
I just want him to come back from NOLA alive, without an arrest record or stripper glitter on his clothes...
Those seems like unreasonable expectations for a bachelor party honestly...
how the hell were we supposed to out run the cops in a bus?
She told me she brought a guy home but that he looked pickled. And no, that's not an autocorrect.
Hahahah pickled
I asked her what she meant and she said that he looked like he had soaked in water.
She had her pubic hair down there shaved into the superman s............. Best one night stand ever.
We poured all the Fireball on the Slip and Slide and long story short I have two black eyes.
You know it's NBA season when you compare head to 3 pointers.
Have you ever drank bourbon in your underwear while wearing a Santa hat and reflecting on the decisions of your life? Asking for a friend.
I think I hear the ice cream truck
I could be going crazy though
NO IT IS THE ICE CREAM TRUCK IT'S ALMOST AT YOUR STOP
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