My sheets look like a crime scene.
Vegas for my brothers bachelor party. Just landed and I have a boner. I'm giggly and teary eyed I'm so excited.
I feel fat after drinking my meal replacement shake.
I added chocolate sauce, a bsg of m&ms and a crushed up brownie to make it taste better.
His sex texting was like a step by step guide to the most boring sex ever...
I'm officially "accidentally set myself on fire" drunk
You should ask if we are margaritasing tomorrow. and yes i did just turn that into a verb
This is to remind you the pizza is in the dishwasher birthday boy eat it before it goes on
How do you get a black eye playing beer pong??
So, your gf couldn't walk up the stairs without your help, but she could knit you a scarf?
I think the fact that the scarf was made out of dental floss should be taken into account.
It's like the bermuda triangle of cat puke
I noticed a trail of vomit coming up the drive way. You must be home
Can we put this graduation on the shelf figuratively and go drink
I had a flashback of using my sock as a napkin after we got taco bell
And at the semi-adult age of 25 I have shit my pants. Not even drunk, just really late to work. Is this real life?
You spilled your drink, and we laughed so hard my boobs popped out of my shirt.
Randomize
