My parents took my cat for a ride in the car. Second weekend in a row. They think its fun. Dear God
If your 8 lb baby was ham it would serve 6-8 people
Apparently I ran up to the group of cookie-cutter blonde chicks and screamed "Delta Gamma Nuuuuuuu!" really excitedly and tried to hug them and share fake sorority stories with them.
I stole so many things from the ER last night.
That's your penis' name. I've always referred to it as Alejandro secretly.
I just opened my filing cabinet at work for the first time in months. It looks just like my pantry: nothing but peanut butter and whiskey.
Oh my fucking god I saw the pictures. What the mother fucking fuck. Destroy the pictures. Destroy the fucking pictures.
Please confirm the destruction of the pictures. NOW.
my mom was by far the drunkest one there. best impromptu wednesday afternoon party ever
Fuck edible panties there is a dress made out of bacon
Dude when the cops came you ran through the fence. Fucking THROUGH it. You're a master ditcher.
It could happen. I haven't creeped the rest of the guest list yet.
Just creeped. Everyone is a passable 7. Orgy is a go!
I told the bartender that his red, white and blue shots were terrible and tasted like Thomas Jefferson's balls.
Just thought of the perfect gift for mom.... how about not telling her about my fourth open intoxicant ticket I got last night?
All you need for a happy life is Jameson and slippers
Stop recording sex noises and setting them as my ringtones. This time it was at a funeral
Randomize
