You are a beautiful, beautiful young lady. Your heart is made of tissue, blood and love. I will call you very soon, Princess Sophia.
dude beer before liquor = i want to shoot myself in the face
You stole her cigarette screaming that you were going to stop the air cancer from getting everyone.
at least i was looking out for everybody
My near death experience also doubled as my coming out story
they all just nodded
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The entire time I'm blowing him she's in the back seat lecturing me on the reasons why you're not suppose to do that while they're driving...
Just thought you should know that your brother tried to febreeze his floors with cooking spray last night.
Last time he went to Europe, every time he started drinking he would wake up in a different country with no memory. There is no way he can be tour leader.
True friends don't judge, they just try to have more booty calls than you do.
Pretend you're in a taco. That always helps me sleep.
Woman Posts Harassing DMs From Creep Online, Now He’s Upset Because People Told His Mom
I also told the pizza delivery guy that he smelled good. I must be ovulating.
I'm gonna play eenie meenie at the bar tonight because it's women's day and I deserve the dick
It bothers me when I see my old fuck buddies starting families on Facebook.
My vagina needs a break, I had to ice it with a beer bottle last night.
At one point my little brother was Rocky Balboa'd by a stripper's tit
I just had sex with the Sheriff's Deputy. You should call me.
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