no seriously he was fingering me like he was really really frantically looking for a song on his iPod.
Hooked up with an Aussie chick last night only an Indonesian chick away from completing my lap around the pacific rim
I think my hand is broken. But his nose definitely is
It's legal now for me to leave my boyfriend and marry you.
At 27 it's no longer called 'slutty', it's called having a healthy sex life...
We need to get stoned and watch Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles 2. This has become a priority. Schedule accordingly.
She's started this new thing where whenever she drives by random couples talking alone outside she yells "break up! this is your sign!"
I can now recognize that when my wine bottle reaches a certain point, I probably shouldn't tweet, text or call anyone. RESPONSIBILITY
I told ya. I'm super awesome at making things super awkward. I'm the Awkwardnator.
After last night I never want to be in the back of a cop car again. No leg room.
Fuck off. Since when do you love him??
Since he licked my arm to retrieve the macaroni and cheese he dropped. You have to appreciate that
Can't even lie. Mad respect
and then after the older sorority girl asked me his name she said "he gave me the rest of his mcdonalds and I decided to go home with him. it was the best that I could hope for my night"
Eaten today: granola bar, pumpkin donut, and fritos. Oh, college nutrition.
I woke up in a boat, with a life jacket on, tons of beer cans and no lake... I was inside a garage. WTF
He just kept going down on me. And he was all like, do you mind? No motha fucka, who would? All of his ex's, apparently. Whatever, he's a gem and I'm keeping him.
Randomize
