Miracle whip is the devil's jizz.
She just texted me saying, "I wish you were a better person so I could fuck you without regrets"
sometimes i really wish you were a nugget.
soo apparently i was out of money so i stayed in the bathroom for an hour-ish passing out paper towels for money..needless to say i got kicked out
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It's my fault I'm alone. My closest relationship is with my blackberry....thank god it vibrates.
I wish you had a penis so you could experience peeing out the window in front of a crowd of people leaving parties.
As it turns out, strippers don't accept checks.
I'll be heading downtown with donuts and a lawn chair at 9am to go Halloween Walk o' Shame spotting.
Sorry, not ignoring you.. We broke open the other piñata left from cinco de mayo and it was filled with condoms, mini booze bottles, and those little party horn things you blow into. You'll forgive me when we're fucking for days with all these free condoms.
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I didn't realize how drunk I was until my vagina was in the snow.
The school security guard knows my name.... I think I'm missing some memories...
I'm not sure we can use safewords tho. She smokes so much she had to keep asking what the safewords was. Bondage and bongs don't mix
Can I come take down that wallpaper yet? I stopped seeing that dude and I need to occupy my time with something besides getting drunk at bingo night and cussing out old people. Also, i'm not sure on the legal stipulations but I might have, unintentionally, committed grand theft auto at some point.
he asked me if i wanted to hook up & my answer was 'why not'. he came in thirty seconds and the condom broke. it's the love story of the century
Hold on, I'm taking nudes in a blanket fort right now
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