Somehow I feel more guilty using her razor then I do having sex with her boyfriend...
found her sleeping in the closet. woke her up and she said she was camping.
btw my roommates send a round of applause to you and that guy you tried to fuck on our wall. Additionally they hope he got it in.
Thanks for putting pants on me last night. And for calling me a princess.
His morals are debatable, but his heart or perhaps his penis is in the right place.
His penis is crooked. Right place? Maybe he starts there, but then he slants.
I was scared I had HIV after last time so I'm not gonna do it again
But he was really hot
Glad you don't have HIV
151 hangover. Need apocalypse.
For the record, just because I'm a mess doesn't mean I don't know what I'm talking about when I give you advice. I'm way better at other people's lives.
Are you stuck outside of your house because you forgot to walk up stairs? Cuz I've been there.
Note to self don't give these guys your number. I've seen more dick tonight than a proctologist sees his whole career
I think when Jesus turned water into wine it was a sign that we should get drunk off Sangria tonight. Do it for Jesus. He died for your sins.
I would steal a car if I knew it had wheat thins in it
is it necessary to steal the whole car?
Last night he told me I was never sexier than when I was cutting pizza. Seriously. Like, he's perfect.
I need to get some goddam control over my hormones
You were lost on foot. Texted us and told us that N*Sync couldn't save you, and then you "met Jesus" in your car.
Randomize
