Todays outfit involves shorts with embroidered fish. This kids gonna die.
being able to look good while almost puking is a skill that takes a lot of puking to develop.
as it turns out, there is no "i was in the pool" excuse for adderall-induced shrinkage.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
He fell off the roof... he clearly has not been preparing for summer.
my goal was to make out with as many people dressed as batman as possible. I have my priorities.
I asked her why she named her vibrator Lorenzo and said it was the name she started screaming her first time.
In my dream, you became a famous tap-dancer. Congratulations.
Is it acceptable to have my intern get me pedialite and plan b?
It's a learning experience. She can add to her resume that she cured her bosses hangover and poor decisions
They sleep with other people as long as there is no oral. Logic and reason were thrown out the window a long time ago with them.
He's a doctor now.. hope he can cure his small dick
Nothing like a little chlamydia diagnosis to ring in the new year
If I ever write a memoir I'm thinking "Choosing to sit in a vat of shit" would fit
You stole my car to go to your boyfriends. Now your parents are fucking in the next room at top volume, and I have no way to escape..thought you should know that the amount of therapy I'll be needing for this is expensive.
You're the best friend ever.
Dear god my vagina.
Randomize
