just got pizza delivered to the hot tub. its easier than i thought to be this lazy
he pissed his pants, and she still wants to hook me up with him. I try not to date guys with bladder control problems... Unless they're loaded anyway.
If I sit on the seam of my jeans just the right way when the bass hits, this might be my new favorite band.
you know what would be great? if dirt tasted like steak and could get you drunk.
He was singing Will Smith Just the Two of Us to his burrito. That high.
I'm at the grocery store buying monistat and corn nuts. thank god for self check out.
You tried to convince our cab driver that your $2 bill was worth $11.70
She stumbled in with some guy, woke me up, introduced him and said "This is my sister. She's a freshman. She probably hates you."
I'm taking a new approach to homewrecking... for science. Or I totally would. I have to see what happens between my ex & his brother when he finds out.
I feel like I'm in an ocean of eels jacking me off
i woke up this morning and saw her in my bed and i said to myself, I think I might have a drinking problem.
There is someone hissing in the hallway. Not even a typo. Not pissing. Hissing. Like a large cat. Or a komodo dragon.
Attempting to sleep without a bra since i got my nips pierced wish me luck. Also almost sent that to my coworker.
I fucked him while wearing his hat. I love the navy
It was really strange. I feel like I had sex with a synchronized swimmer.
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