Take a Tylenol with a HUGE glass of water before you pass out, you'll thank me in the morning.
i dony have tylonal but i had a snickers and popcorn and a bottle of water and i am.. brushing my teeth!
I just spent the last two hours on the phone with Emily trying to explain to her how to finger herself.
so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
The lesbians are drunkenly meowing in the hallway again. This is the shit I'll miss at home.
As long as you don't die I'm in full support of your drinking decisions
just spent $80 on an im sorry breakfast from mcdonalds for everyone sleeping in my apartment for being a drunkass and locking everyone out of the apartment at 2am.
We invented "Diesel Bombs." They're supposed to be a bomb, but they come in a 20+ oz. glass and have a blackout record of 6 wins and 0 losses. Undoubtedly going to be the next Muhammed Ali of the drinking world.
This whole situation could've been avoided if you would've just let me open the beer
I'm just going to eat until there's an actual reason why he wouldn't want to fuck me.
My roommate comes home screaming, I brought you home a friend! I thought she brought me a guy...no, she brought home a one-eyed shih tzu.
Then mom squeezed my boob and said, "Dad would go nuts if I had these..."
i projectile vomited shoeless at 7:30 a.m. in a taco bell parking lot. never again.
I'm almost too old to be on The Real World but feel like I'm too young to be on The Bachelor and I'm just really confused with my place in life.
I lost Mario kart three times but I got laid so it wasn't the WORST night I've ever had.
I just folded my laundry and I washed 3 pairs of underwear and 6 jizz towels. Clearly I'm quarantining right.
Randomize
