yeah for some reason your penis didn't fit in my mouth the other day
Decided to write a book called "girls don't poop and other myths I wish I still believed in"
we have officially mastered the walk of shame
My professor just used "labia" and "numchucks" in the same sentence. I am dying.
my dog ran away and came back with a marajuana plant. what are you doing tonight?
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
im sleeping in a hamic at a mansion. best hangover ever
sorry about having a shotput competition with your microwave, seemed like a good idea at the time
Dude, did you fall in a toilet on the way over here?
Was face down in one actually. Bars 2, Drew 0.
When she introduced her friend to me I shook his hand and told him not to leave his ugly vest at my apartment in the morning. He took it off and bought me a shot.
I swear every time I see him he's either dancing or trying to touch people
valentines day is a day for loved ones to share. So me and my vibrator. Happy holidays.
Being severely attracted to someone you find is your cousin just made my list of top 10 worst feelings
1) Woke up alone with my bathing suit on inside out spooning an empty bottle of Jack, 2) get the fuck on to my level 3) please pick me up and bring a stuffed pony, some Oreo's and my pride...
last night I used snow as a chaser
Randomize
