my roommate's gf just broke up with him and hes in his room crying and listening to coldplay while beating off to pictures of her...
I wish they made helmets for livers.
Just sold this kid "Magic Furry Apples". He is way to high to figure out they are just peaches.
At least he's a nutritious stoner...
im afraid if i stop breathing i will turn into a porcupine
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Please come fuck me. I had the worst sex of my life the other night and I need to be reminded that sex is actually enjoyable
Just please never masturbate in my bed again. I'm burning my sheets as I write this.
Btw before you ask, the dr said there's no way shoving his dick that far down my throat is why i got laryngitis
Look. If you're going to be my girlfriend you need to be down with me licking BBQ off your face infront of kids.
Sup man, did you have a 3way this month if so it would be 3 for 3 for the house
I think you'll be amused to know that I achieved the impossible feat of tripping over my own dick
I had a sex dream about Fox Mulder, and the Royals just won the World Series. My life is complete.
This is why I only drink in places with a C or D health rating
So, random question. How much should you tip a Lyft driver when you realized you've fucked his sister? Asking for a friend.
Liz Cheney wasn’t exactly on my list of women I expected to be saying “YAS QUEEN” for in 2021 but here we are
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