Picture the opening band right now: euro, beer guts, one member in oversized hipster lumberjack apparel, the other in childsized american apparel and shorts. Singing in german.
Just got back from doctors appt. He lied. It wasn't a pimple on his dick.
Just got a call from someone claiming to be my son . How do I initiate a conversation. Tell me about the last eighteen years. And by the way who is your mom again?
In a world where you don't want your phone to pocket dial your parents at 2 in the morning while you're running around Florida shitfaced, Droid does.
we got hammered off table wine and i ended up biting my acrylic nail off so i could finger his butt.. ill never look at valentines day the same
There's banana everywhere and your hamster may or may not have stayed the night in the microwave...
The staff doesn't like it when you try and take your wheelchair for a joy ride since I've been waiting for an hour and a half.
Some guy thought i was the waitress and handed me his credit card. drinks on me.
They're doing shots to celebrate every 15 minutes passing. You can come get them.
She said my new name was "ranch" because I "looked delicious"
So after your set last night some 42 year old woman bought me a drink, professed her love for your music, and then made out with me last night because she thought I was you. Thank you.
Did you know that if you chase vodka with cheap red wine it tastes exactly like college alcoholism?
I am one with the molecules
You're his holy grail. The moment he finally gets you to orgasm he'll probably just retire and become a monk.
I am coming home with the worst sun burn of my life, two unused condoms, and an unworn slutty dress. Worst. Bachelorette. Party. Ever.
Randomize
